Thursday, April 8, 2010

How to stay home?

Jolene in her crib

Isnt she pretty
The boys playing

My boys and their fort they made tonight

Is that possible? I tell my self every Sunday night" ok this week we will stay home everyday and leave just for the library and church " I say it over and over. It never happens.I can stay home one whole and day and then the rest are like a marathon of pure running. I hate it. I dont know why im like this. I have a list a mile long of things that need to get done with some that really important and should in no way be put off, like potty training my sweet Chase who is 100% ready to train and be done in like a week. Tells me He needs to go potty and he is wet. If we are home I let him run naked because he makes it to the potty just about every time but we arent here long enough to make a day out it and really get going with it. I feel like a horrible mother. Im tired of all the running. Really. We do library on Tuesday and I love that. Hannah lives for that day. We have church on Wednesday again love that. I want to keep those. But Im going to move library to Wednesday so I have one day of going places and thats it. No more running to the store everyday, know more running the park every time its sunny, no more running to the gas station to get a soda, no more running to thrift stores 2 or 3 times a week, no more running to different places that can wait. Im done really. Once a month we have skating with the homeschool group, every other week we have a faithgroup we love. Those are keepers. Im talking about the running that is careless and not really needed. I have to make my house a home. My ids love being home and I know that hate being out all the time. its tiring and my husband doesnt like it either. When we are home we get so much done and we arent in bad moods because we arent rushing around. Im ready for a change...

The boys this evening made a fort with the kitchen chairs, sofa and the comforters and of course duck tape. Yes duck tape. They had so much fun. Cody asked if they could leave it up for tomorrow but I had to say no because I sleep on the sofa right now because our bedroom is so stinking hot I cant handle it. The boys have been sneaking into the big bed with Jeff after like 12 or so and peeing the bed :) another reason im fine of the sofa!!!! The other night Jolene slept until 5:40 in the morning and I as crazy as I am was checking on her like every hour to make sure she was breathing. Yes I even would put my finger under her nose to make sure she was ok, even though I could feel her tummy moving. Make me so worried because my babies just dont sleep through the night and I have know idea what to do when they do. The last couple of nights since im parked on the sofa ;) I have been addicted to the MTV show 16 and pregnant. Something that my kids will never watch!!! I would love to reach through the T.V and smack them girls in the head many times over. I cant stand seeing how STUPID people can be. These girls are pg and partying like its ok and screaming at their moms and just not seeing the picture. I was 15 and pg I know what its like to go through that. But my life change the day I found out I was having a baby. I saw how I treated my mom. I cant tell you how sorry I am that I was wild and crazy. But when you find out you are having and baby it stops right there. Thats your life. I loved every minute of it and I have raised the sweetest, most kindest young lady you will ever meet. I get complements on her everyday. She is amazing. I has my son 2 and half years after her and has heart of gold. Loves his baby brothers and sister. Wants to be a man like his Dad. My kids are my life. Always have always will. They grow way to fast for me. Cody will be 9 on the 18th. He told me the other day that now is almost 9 he is half mature :) I laughed so hard at that. It was really cute. I was reading another post about childhood and what it was like to grow up. I had the best child hood in a way. My mom was the best. If we werent at the pool we were camping on the river with all our family friends or out at the cabin in Bourbon. We were always doing stuff all the time as a family. I love day dreaming about my child hood and all that we did. My mom bought us everything we could have ever wanted. Really. everything. I had more dolls the most stores carry. But I was lonely. Not sure why I felt that way but I did. I felt like I wasnt ever good enough. My brother was the smart one and my sister was the model everyone had to say was just so beautiful etc... and I was just Jennifer. I has fat, not pretty like Amber and not smart like Justin. I wasnt anybody special to anybody. I was always so angry at everybody and I still dont know why. I had no where to go with how lonely I was so as I got older I turned into my goth rebel type girl. Thats how I was. I always had a ton of friends and a new guy every week. I loved that I could break hearts and keep them wanting me. That made me feel like someone really cared about me. I was a wild teen. I loved my sports and I loved being the girl people looked at and thought watch out for her. I would beat my kids like crazy they started acting like act. But since I went through that I might be able to see the signs that they need more from me. I still dont know what I need back then. But I was lonely, sad, angry and felt like nobody saw me in my family. Nobody.It still hurts to write about it. You know thats one of the many reason I homeschool my kids. They are special, they will feel loved, I love to around them. I never handled people telling me what to do, my teachers would be calling my mom everyday because they have had it with me. Ididnt have one teacher who really cared for me at all. I would know the answer but they didnt care. Or I needed help with something but did I get helped NO. They dont care about kids, they are there to get paid and thats it. I want better for kids. anyways I need to stop thinking about this....

My toe is getting alot better. I can even wear a shoe now. I put a ballet shoe on yesterday for church and man I felt every step. But today when we went the stores it felt normal. My toe is still a deep purple but getting lighter. The kids hit every once in a while and I go through the roof and laugh like its funny. I keep forgetting I have a broke toe and will be doing laundry and go kick and pile of cloths and have to lean over the washer for a while until the pain goes away. I was loading grocery's in the truck and I dropped something on my toe and said some words that would make a sailor blush. It was bad. Jolene is rolling like a ball now. She is all over her crib. And now she grabs my face and hold its to give me kisses with all her slobbering. Melts my heart.

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