Monday, June 13, 2011

Not alone

The Lord is so good to us.I wish everyday we could remember how blessed we really are. Or actually slow down enough in life to have those quiet moments and reflect on what why we are here on earth.I have been struggling so bad with anxiety and stress.Where is this coming from? I have no clue.I know that it has gotten worse since Jeff took the job in Indiana.being home 6 nights a week alone to protect our children and house is enough to through me in a daze. I hate the dark time and when the sun starts to set, I feel the pain in my stomach rise and the heart start speeding.Why? I dont know.I use to never be like this.i hate posting this so you can see how big of a baby I really am but I want you to see how God works.He never fails. When the little bitty earthquake shook my recliner I was sitting rocking Jolene in, that scared the shit out of me enough to panic and cry and call my husband at least a dozen times only to have him not answer his phone. I was scared.I hate all natural things that happen.Why? Because Im left here alone to protect these beautiful children.BY MYSELF! I feel like Icant do it,Its just me alone, im one person and I have all these children to grab and pull into safety.Its stressful and Im not that strong of person.Or am I? I hate when storms come.This year as been the scariest year for storms I have ever seen.So strong and killing people left and right. I never know when a thunderstor m is going to be a nasty storm and rip my house apart and take my kids.I never know! I grab my littles every little storm and we head to the basement, this my friends is not good. I have a needy child all ready and I'm just adding to his needs by panic in my life. Then when you totally give up and have no one to give me the answers or help calm down, because my husband is 2 states over and although my mom and my friends are big big helps its not working.BUT God knows whats going on. I wasnt listening to Him.Why? Who knows but I wasnt. I stopped and listened and I found the calm and quiet and found the answer I need.He is there watching and protecting with me.I wasnt alone, not even for a second.Last night I only went into my panic daze once and it was only because Ethan is still sick and he was coughing so hard his body was shaking and I didnt know how to help him. After he was ok I brought him into the bath room and turned on the shower with some natural oils to open him up. we sat on the toilet together with his little head all sweaty on my shoulder and I rocked him while the steam and oils did the trick. He went right to sleep and so did I. God is there no matter what you are feeling,dealing, or just plain blocking the ear. I know that my panic attacks are self lead. I honestly cant stand to be alone at night without my husband.The nights he comes home I sleep like a baby.Snuggle as bug in bed and not worry.I cant wait for the day the local starts pumping out jobs here and he gets to see his family daily again.Ethan last night before daddy left told his dad he needed to stay here because we need him.Broke Jeffs heart to million pieces and I could see the hurt in his eyes and his body. He doesnt want to leave his family.But he has to so we can survive. Then I was thinking and thinking what can I do to help in this family. My husband makes really nice money and I spend like a normal woman.BUT I could cut everything in half and be totally happy and the kids would never even know.I spend over 12oo just grocery's a month.Now that does include diapers and wipes ad dog food. I will not do the coupon craziness but if I find a coupon that is a good deal and I dont have to do alot of running or time on it ill use it. I know what I can do.With cutting everything I can save. Save for when he is laid off, save for the time when it comes to what we have to do for the family to be together again. I wont get into what my husband and I have talked about because now isnt the time.Please dont ask because youd put me in a hard spot and that is just rude :) But God knows the plan and we will listen and I WILL be great!

I have 2 sick kiddos and it just wont go away! Every where I turn my friends all have children with the same thing.Its a nasty little virus and Im trying my best to knock it out of my house. we went to Natural healing this morning and stocked up on our natural oils and meds. I love our natural remedies like crazy! I have mopped the crap out of the floors today and have every window open to let out the germs.Its so wonderfully nice outside ( another gift from above) that having the windows open the kids still a blanket because its chilly.Yes thats right chilly! So with the weather as cool as it is I have bread rising in the kitchen and out side on the porch doing my thing :) My girlfriend and her family will be arriving not this weekend but next! I cant wait to see her and the new baby! They will be staying I think 3 or 4 days with us. we will have 4 adults and 12 children here! Woohooo I pray the sickness is long gone from here!My older kids are having their week long summer stay at grandma and Papa Jolleys.I miss them so much! They went there Friday after we got home from Indiana. I cant wait to have them back! Hannah will actually come home for alittle bit as she has piano on Tuesday night and she cant wait! I still need to run this weekend and do the sign ups for soccer! I saw the poster when we went to town this morning and im so glad I did because I totally forgot. Little Laura is doing great1 growing like a weed and Icant wait to meet her.She is kicking my bladder and making it hard to bend and that stuff. Still have alot to do before she comes but Ill get done in time I'm sure :) Jeff is so sweet before he leaves he rubs the belly and tell her bye.That man melts my heart!! well I best go and through my bread in the oven and snuggle with the littles boys. God bless!

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