Not alone

The Lord is so good to us.I wish everyday we could remember how blessed we really are. Or actually slow down enough in life to have those quiet moments and reflect on what why we are here on earth.I have been struggling so bad with anxiety and stress.Where is this coming from? I have no clue.I know that it has gotten worse since Jeff took the job in Indiana.being home 6 nights a week alone to protect our children and house is enough to through me in a daze. I hate the dark time and when the sun starts to set, I feel the pain in my stomach rise and the heart start speeding.Why? I dont know.I use to never be like this.i hate posting this so you can see how big of a baby I really am but I want you to see how God works.He never fails. When the little bitty earthquake shook my recliner I was sitting rocking Jolene in, that scared the shit out of me enough to panic and cry and call my husband at least a dozen times only to have him not answer his phone. I was scared.I hate all natural things that happen.Why? Because Im left here alone to protect these beautiful children.BY MYSELF! I feel like Icant do it,Its just me alone, im one person and I have all these children to grab and pull into safety.Its stressful and Im not that strong of person.Or am I? I hate when storms come.This year as been the scariest year for storms I have ever seen.So strong and killing people left and right. I never know when a thunderstor m is going to be a nasty storm and rip my house apart and take my kids.I never know! I grab my littles every little storm and we head to the basement, this my friends is not good. I have a needy child all ready and I'm just adding to his needs by panic in my life. Then when you totally give up and have no one to give me the answers or help calm down, because my husband is 2 states over and although my mom and my friends are big big helps its not working.BUT God knows whats going on. I wasnt listening to Him.Why? Who knows but I wasnt. I stopped and listened and I found the calm and quiet and found the answer I need.He is there watching and protecting with me.I wasnt alone, not even for a second.Last night I only went into my panic daze once and it was only because Ethan is still sick and he was coughing so hard his body was shaking and I didnt know how to help him. After he was ok I brought him into the bath room and turned on the shower with some natural oils to open him up. we sat on the toilet together with his little head all sweaty on my shoulder and I rocked him while the steam and oils did the trick. He went right to sleep and so did I. God is there no matter what you are feeling,dealing, or just plain blocking the ear. I know that my panic attacks are self lead. I honestly cant stand to be alone at night without my husband.The nights he comes home I sleep like a baby.Snuggle as bug in bed and not worry.I cant wait for the day the local starts pumping out jobs here and he gets to see his family daily again.Ethan last night before daddy left told his dad he needed to stay here because we need him.Broke Jeffs heart to million pieces and I could see the hurt in his eyes and his body. He doesnt want to leave his family.But he has to so we can survive. Then I was thinking and thinking what can I do to help in this family. My husband makes really nice money and I spend like a normal woman.BUT I could cut everything in half and be totally happy and the kids would never even know.I spend over 12oo just grocery's a month.Now that does include diapers and wipes ad dog food. I will not do the coupon craziness but if I find a coupon that is a good deal and I dont have to do alot of running or time on it ill use it. I know what I can do.With cutting everything I can save. Save for when he is laid off, save for the time when it comes to what we have to do for the family to be together again. I wont get into what my husband and I have talked about because now isnt the time.Please dont ask because youd put me in a hard spot and that is just rude :) But God knows the plan and we will listen and I WILL be great!

I have 2 sick kiddos and it just wont go away! Every where I turn my friends all have children with the same thing.Its a nasty little virus and Im trying my best to knock it out of my house. we went to Natural healing this morning and stocked up on our natural oils and meds. I love our natural remedies like crazy! I have mopped the crap out of the floors today and have every window open to let out the germs.Its so wonderfully nice outside ( another gift from above) that having the windows open the kids still a blanket because its chilly.Yes thats right chilly! So with the weather as cool as it is I have bread rising in the kitchen and out side on the porch doing my thing :) My girlfriend and her family will be arriving not this weekend but next! I cant wait to see her and the new baby! They will be staying I think 3 or 4 days with us. we will have 4 adults and 12 children here! Woohooo I pray the sickness is long gone from here!My older kids are having their week long summer stay at grandma and Papa Jolleys.I miss them so much! They went there Friday after we got home from Indiana. I cant wait to have them back! Hannah will actually come home for alittle bit as she has piano on Tuesday night and she cant wait! I still need to run this weekend and do the sign ups for soccer! I saw the poster when we went to town this morning and im so glad I did because I totally forgot. Little Laura is doing great1 growing like a weed and Icant wait to meet her.She is kicking my bladder and making it hard to bend and that stuff. Still have alot to do before she comes but Ill get done in time I'm sure :) Jeff is so sweet before he leaves he rubs the belly and tell her bye.That man melts my heart!! well I best go and through my bread in the oven and snuggle with the littles boys. God bless!

Updates

Jolene looks how I feel...

Well its been over a month since I wrote last, imagine that. We have been on school break and busy as ever. The husband had a nice 3 day weekend with us and we worked him until he finally said going to Indiana and working was easier. We did alot around like finished my big bathroom so now I can use my jet tub and then my shower was also finished.He finished the shelves in the pantry and that was such a blessing to get the food off my counters and out of my cabinets. He started making drain ditches int the yard so as I welcome the new drains I hate the mud I will have yet again once it rains. We got the double set laundry masters up and that helps so much with laundry, but now who wants to fold all the clothes because I dont! We spent one day running around and going to flea market. That was fun but didnt really find any good deals. Today I had an ultrasound and blood work done.Laura is doing great! She is all legs and even more lips.Yes she is blessed with the Jolley lips! She was dancing and going crazy until finally she decided to pass out and relax alittle.The tech was getting upset with her and started to complain that she wouldnt sit still. After the doctors we went over to the Goodwill and of course the people out in the world today were out to tick me off. I cant stand it when people stand in the aisle and dont move over so you can get though and they look at you like they are stupid. Then theres the people who really are stupid and I have to let them know that because they are being stupid around me.Is it hard to move, or say excuse me instead of being ann ass to my kids.really people its better you stay at home and keep to yourself because you bother me! Anyways after that we ran to Steak n shake only to have them mess up our order which would have been fine but not today. I wasnt mean I just sent Hannah in because I knew if I did I would say something I would have to repent for. Once we got home things were better.Woohoo. We were going to drive to Indiana this week but Jeff is beat and needs to rest at night and im not up for the drive right now. Im really looking forward to the next few days at home.I wont be answering my phone, checking my blog,checking my email or facebook.Im beat with all the run and go we do and looking forward to relaxing and planning the school year.we start back up July 4th. Im pretty excited about starting back up.Routine is a must and my husband has told me over and over I need to get the kids on routine and make it stick.He is very let down with my lazy attitude towards school this year.I can see why, its been a horrible school year.Yes we mastered things and learned but we ran so much and worried so much about doing this and that that I taught my kids this bad habit and now its so hard to break.But I have to and I will. Lessons will be marked off everyday by the kids and chores will be done and yes even an alarm clock will be set for my daughter who likes to sleep until lunch. Im going to find a chore that works for all the kids even down to Jolene who learn to pick up after she is done with her toys.When we are doing a routine we are awesome and stuff gets done and the kids are happy but man when we fall off things go down hill fast. Im so ready for the new school year.So many goals and so many things I cant wait to do with the kids.But before we start school the older kids have a nice week long stay with grandma they have been looking forward to for so long.( They are driving me crazy right now). we have trips to six flags to go to, the zoo, rivers,creeks and the fun summer things we must do. oh yes and plan for the baby! I have everything but a few things I need to order. every time I want to order I fall asleep or day Ill do it in the morning.This birth will be a little different.My sister in law Paula will be with me! Im so excited.She is going to tape it for me.Im praying she doesn't pass out in the time comes to see the crowning because thats when Jeff usually turns white and gets a little scared. I have faith she will do wonderful.She cracks me up daily so I know we will have a great time laughing and enjoying the moments until Laura decides to come.I cant wait for the newborn snuggles and nursing,I soooo very much wish Jolene was still nursing.I miss the bonding you get with that and the little looks they give. Hannah nursed until she was 2.5 and I loves it.My others nursed pretty long but nothing like my Hannah, which is why she is so very smart ;) Ok back to the birth plan.... Jeff will be home with the kids until they break my water.Im being induced at 38/39 weeks.I have been induced with all my babies. so anyways Paula will be with me all morning while he is waiting for the call. Ethan is our very needy child so our goal is to make it easy on him while Im away. Im hoping this will be a fast birth and the kids can be in the room once they arrive with daddy and then stay with us until its close to the pushing time. we are thinking Hannah is old enough to stay and watch if she wanted but she is very sensitive and that might scare the living crap out of her. She watched a Baby Story on TLC and does great but I remember when I had Cody and she was 2 and she remembered seeing blood on the floor or blanket and she talked about that forever because it scared her.So we will ask and give her time to pray and think about it. So much to post so little energy............

This and That

Its Monday with a down pour yet again.My kids say April showers bring may flowers but I'm thinking floods! Our backyard is like a river and of course our labs think that its play time.They lay in it, like the puddles, dig big holes and then go in the dog house.They remind me of kids. Although my kids really want to play but I'm sick of the mud in my house so I wont let them.I did let them go out for a few minutes today in the front yard but Jolene got her pretty dress all wet and I brought them in.My husband had a nice 3 day weekend.he worked his butt off here but at least we were under the same roof and in the same bed for 3 nights.He was able to rip the laundry room floor out and get that cleared away so Tony can come in and replace drywall and put new bamboo flooring in. We had a really horrible water leak right after we moved in and had to move all my school room stuff and store it in my kitchen/dinning room and bring my school table in the kitchen right after I just got it all cute and ready for school.Nice I know.BUT after this week it will back to normal and I can have my dinning room back and pantry finally done with shelves.I had to the pantry for 2 book cases and a desk while this "mess" was in the way and im so ready to have a pantry its nuts. we had a wonderful Easter at my Mom and Dads Sunday.Lots of eggs and my mom gave us the rest of the ham and we had it for dinner last night, some this morning and we had it for lunch.It was that good! Chase was really crabby at Easter and was causing some stress for some people but hes 3 and he has been sick and been though alot this past week.I didnt think twice about it.Im so use to littles and their melt downs. Chase has a concussion I would have posted earlier on but life has been busy.He is ok just needs to take it easy.This happened Thursday night after the little boys were playing rescue hero's on the sofa.Chase was on he floor my the sofa and Ethan was flipping around on the sofa and kicked Chase right smack in the eye causing chase to stiffing up and go limp in the legs.His jaw locked up sideways and he totally seized.Scared the living day lights out of Hannah and me.we ran him to the ER and he was not happy ro have to doctors touching him or even looking at him.Chase would let the nurse put the bracelet on him and I finally told the nurse she needed to back off because she is freaking him out. doctors for reason bother me more than anything. They think toddlers should just there and so what they ask.Right! If I was little and had people touching me and asking me things you bet Id freak out and yell.Im an adult and if someone bumps into at the store I get pissed.They wanted to do a cat scan but I kept telling them no that what if when he is older and for some reason needs a cat scan but already had one.It causes cancer the more you have them and even one time a child can cause damage to them.he finally let the nurse& doctor look him over and they sent us home.They wanted to watch him for 4 hours since he wouldn't sit still.But since he wasn't throwing up and his eyes were dilating they gave me a list of things to do to him over the next 48 hours. Jolene and Chase are on the last few days of taking their antibiotics.uhhhggggg its never ending around here. Jolene wants the moby wrap all day and I want to clean and sleep. BUT I love the snuggles and mommy moments I have been having them.I watch Hannah and Cody talk and be with friends and I just think "wow" my babies aren't babies anymore and I have to remember to stop blinking. Its amazing to me that Hannah will be 13 this year.My sweet chubby little nursing until 2 and half baby is almost 13! I have been looking back on the years that have gone by and being so young with having 2 babies.By the time I was 18 I had Hannah and Cody.I was a single mom and honestly had nothing to complain about. My God giving plan was to be a Mom. I had the best the support from my family and took raising my babies like I was I had been doing it for centuries.I remember always praying that one day Id havea husband who had a good job and wanted alot of kids and wanted to homeschool. I remember always wanting to homeschool Hannah when she started kindergarten and my Mom always telling me no I couldn't.I would always get so mad but I lived under her roof and felt I couldn't. I hated taking her to school and she be gone all day away from me.It was hard. Meeting Jeff was such a blessing from the Lord. It was like He was saying to me" Jen, Im answering your prayers." Its been amazing to be married to such a a guy I prayed for so many years.A guy who puts me first and wants nothing more but to make me happy.He is just such a manly man and takes his job to heart.He works so hard for us and doesnt say one thing about.If I need something I go get it or he brings it from Indiana to me on the weekends.he makes sure ever weekend before he leaves that he has everything for me taking care of. You just have no idea how blessed we are here in this house.I have been so busy taking care of babies and kids and the stress of everything around me.I have been going 100mph and havent had to breathe.Life gets likes this sometimes and how you handle it makes a huge difference in the children later in their life. sure there those moments you go to bed and pray about the way you handle something with one of the kidsnad wish you have done different.we have those moments we go to the kids and WE say sorry for yelling like that.Id love to do alot different but I cant. I can pray and make the future easier.I know yelling at one child only brings out the anger and disrespect in one.I know that not praising one child for doing chores makes that child sad.I know that clapping for child who just peed in the potty come out with a his lip down because mommy didnt act happy.I know that if I dont read to one child he just wants to watch tv all day.I know my husband like to hear how amazing I think he is.
And theres school. yes school. we had planned on being done by May but thats not happening.So we have decided to school all year.It will be a lighter load for them but we just afford to not do math and reading.Theres just no way.Im still having a hard time finding something for English.I asked my friends and everybody uses something.I looked at all of them and I loved them but for the kids that are two totally different learning styles nothing looked like it would fit them.Not sure what we will use but trust me Ill find it! I was also looking at My Fathers World K. I know I had said I wasn't going to use a full curriculum for the boys but realized they asked everyday to do school and are really thriving right now.Chase who is just 3 is awesome!! If you have used the MFW K or 1st grade please tell me how your kids did with it and what all was in the year.

Happy Birthday Cody!

My kids at the zoo the other day.

The 3 boys looking at something I dont like.

Cody yesterday with his new gear!

My man Cody showing me his good looking pose.

Happy Birthday Cody!He turned 10 yesterday and we had a busy stressful day.we started our day at Urgent care waiting for a doctor to see Jolene and Chase.As we sat and waited for over an hour we got in and out.Turns out me baby girl has an ear infection,sinus infection and bronchitis.Im not one for antibitics but we need it.Chase has an ear infection and nasty sinus infection which needed some antibiatics too.He is doing better, Jolene is still coughing hard and very tired but she only woke up once last night we slept though the storm so I know it was a much needed rest for her.After that trip I took the kiddos to lunch at Steak N Shake for Cody only to have waitress who was no smarter than a rock.we had a glass of water spill all over Cody and she brings me 2 nakins! yes 2!! So im really mad and she knows it and so does her boss.They gave kid shakes for free and that ws that.His pants were soaked and he doesnt like to a center of attention and that made him mad.After that we headed to target and he picked out a neat DS game,skate board, knee pads,wrist graurds and knee pads and a gun.He was happy.Did I tell you he also got a lawn mower?? that was is topper from his uncle Doug.we will do a birthday party for him on easter day since the family will be together anyways and theres no need to have everyone spend more money on gas than needed. On a sad note the goat my Mom got right after I had Cody died on his birthday :( we cried and remembered the times we had with him.I had just had Cody and was bottle feeding these 2 sweet goats.I loved that.Sorry he died but he was 10 and lived a great life. We also made a homemade cheese cake and we ate every last crumb! it was so good.

Jeff will be home for 3 days this weekend! he has alot to do so we wont be having family time but at least he will be sleeping in the same house!

Im on my porch waiting for these major storms to roll though.we have storm chasers from discovery channel and the weather channel over the St.Louis area and its crazy! I lovemea good storm just not at night! Now my spell check will not work so bare with me on this post you get to see how well of a speller I really am! I have dinner in the oven! I feel like I have done alot today.I put up my new valance in the kitchen and I put up curtains in the living room. They look so cute and I hope the hubby likes them!

Laura Elizabeth Ownby

We found out Friday we are having another girl! Woohoooooo girls rule the house! In honor of Laura Ingalls Wilder we are naming our baby Laura Elizabeth. Just beautiful!Cant wait to hold and snuggle this baby.I look forward to nursing and rocking and all the wonderful things a new blessing brings to a family.We havent done anything but school work and clean.I had some homeschool friends over for a day of fellowship and that was so nice. The weather was amazing and the kids played hard. Over the weekend Cody had a friends sleep over and we had a birthday party to go and the I babysat my sisters 3 kiddos.Sunday my sweet sexy husband bbq for us and we enjoyed the weather by trying to fly kites.With 60 mph winds we broke alot of kites.We only have 3 weeks of school left before I declare summer break wooooohoooooo!! Im ready to lay out and tan this big white growing belly! It pays to not have neighbors close by people. Theres alot coming up this spring and it makes me tired just thinking about it all, but its all good times..... Here's somethings Im thinking of tonight....Im very excited to be learning about the Feast and Holy Days.As we learned about Hanukkah this past winter and now we will celebrate that just as we do the birth of Jesus on Christmas.Very excited about the Holy days and we have been reading the bible about them and doing research after research and loven every minute of it. Im also thinking about the people who judge others because they do not fit into their idea of what a Christian should look and act like.The bible clearly states WE DO NOT judge.My walk with God is so much more real and honest when I stopped trying to fit in to this label of people.I wore a skirt for 2 years and hide myself from the world and my husband because I thought and looked down upon and gossiped about if I didnt look or make my kids and I act the way they did. I hide myself for so long and made my sweet children suffer along with me.Once I broke out of my shell and God told me he loved me as ME.The big loud mouth tell you how it is really kinda girl.I love Jesus and we teach our children to by theGlory God.We do that.But God made us all different and he Likes that! I dont have to be like you or wear what you wear or act like you.I love our God and teach is commands and we follow.But my children will have black hair or blue hair and they will wear shorts and paint there nails wild colors and my boys will be rowdy and crazy and get muddy and manly.Thats how we roll.but if you like to do that Ill love that about you and cherish that fact.It doesnt make us better people for what we wear.I love my dear friends who only wear long shirts.Why? because thats who they are and they are great people! I like the fact I can talk like sailor and my husband doesn't even blink.Why? Because thats who I am and he loves every drop of me he can get.He knows my love for Jesus as we Jesus is a huge fact in our daily lives.Sure I pray for helping in holding my tongue because God doesnt like that but im human and when the f bomb flies out of my mouth or when I stub my toe on the chair and I have ugly words fly out of mouth its all good.Don't judge because I dont care how Holy you think you are words happen.Im also thinking about these people who are suppose to leading believers on a walk and they are faker than Dollys boobs and so many people dont realize this until they are betrayed these very people.I pray for them and pray hard.Bless them! Thinking that id love to have my garden tilled and ready which im not seeing that getting done.WHY? Because I'm lazy! well not really but lets use that. Id also like to start going through all these totes and getting rid of the clothes we dont fit in and our out of season.The boys all have so many clothes and if you saw my 3 boys play out side you'd know why I keep so many extras for them. But I really dont need to keep 3 totes of clothes the boys dont fit in either.Hannah has I think 2 totes she has out grown and I know everything we saved last year for her will no longer fit.She is almost as tall as me.Jolene has bags and bags of clothes for this spring and summer.Thanks Aunt Paula!!! I'm so ready for her to wear them! carpi's here we come!!!

Update :)

Cody I think back in Jan.So cute!

Ethan and his get-up

Chase after Hannah got ahold of him.

Grandma with hannah banana

well I have to say the husband does not clean up here in Indiana.I just spent the better half of my morning scrubbing and changing out the shower curtain. he keeps the kitchen spotless and the living room ( I'm thinking that's because theres no kids here to make it a mess) but he uses whats called grandpas soap and it likes pine tar.Dark brown and sticks to everything.Its clean now and I'm sure he'll be happy :) Yesterday before we came up I had another ultrasound.The beaner was dancing and waving at me.every time I see a beaner it just amazes me that I have that in my body and I'm growing a baby! Amazing! He/she is looking great and we are still waiting on Jeffs blood work.Once the results show up Ill post what I'm talking because if I try to explain it now Id loose all of ya and that wouldn't be good. But baby and I look great.I'm measuring at 16 weeks and ill be 11 weeks Friday.I look like I'm 7 months preggers! But hey i love being preggers and ill take it! The kids are busy building forts with blankets, sofa pillows and tote boxes.Hannah is just getting up and its 11 am!!!! can you say teenagers!!!!!I brought little school work with us just our readers and Hannah's math.Hoping to relax and just be.we will leave here Sat and Jeff will follow after work that day only to have him home for 18 hours! I had planned on going to the history museum on our way back but I left Jolene's big stroller and Moby at home so that wont work for us at all! Maybe next time! I'm going to hit all the resale shops out here and found a crib!! i have yet decided on how ill do Jolene's room with another crib.But my bedroom is BIG and I'm thinking ill put the new baby in with me until he/she sleeps through the night.So that means until 3 years old in this house! Jolene is up and down all night long still.BUT last night she slept forever and when Jeff and I woke up we had 2 little boys in the middle of us with all our blankets! They were sleeping in the living and how and when they got in bed is still a question?!

well i must go and do something......not sure what but something :)

week 10 and doing good

Jolene showing me her pretty teeth

We love mud around here and any time we can play fight in it we do!!

My 3 boys got really into it so Hannah and me joined!

My 5 blessings at a park in Indiana!!

I have hit week 10 with this baby and feeling better everyday.Im not as tired and crabby as I was but Im a woman and we are all usually crabby from time to time anyway so whats new ;) We have had storm after storm here in Missouri and they have had some scary straight line winds that look worse than tornado's at times.I love a good thunderstorm but the bad storms are no fun with no husband around to keep me down to earth.we had many trips downstairs late at night with the littles not knowing what is going on.Needless to say im ready for spring but the storms can be gone :) School is going good but slow.My girlfriend bless her heart gave me all her 4th grade Abeka! I still need Math 4 and some readers and I cant think what else..... anyways she saved me alot of money.Now i have to buy 7th grade Abeka and really looking forward to using this.I have all of grade 2 so the little boys will be good in a few years.I had thought I wouldn't buy them a set of books, but I still love Rod and Staff preschool and their packs are so cheap and all though we have done the packs twice now, Ethan is just now realizing Letters make a sound and a word.Chase is right behind him so we have decided to go ahead and stick with those packs for this year coming up. We have all our seeds for our garden and getting ready to plant them in there containers for our seedlings to sport.Im hoping to do a big garden this year so we can can and freeze and have enough for the winter.Would love to work on a chicken coop but honestly im one woman with a handful of kids and my time is all over but building something.Im very blessed to have a Mom who is very handy and good at doing stuff like this.Did I tell you she is the one who put in all my posts for our fence! I didnt do even one!! I was busy inside with the littles while her and Cody were working hard.

I have another Ultrasound Wednesday and then we are heading to Indiana to see my husband.We are waiting for his blood results to see if he is the carrier for the antigens I have.I have tigers Little C in my blood. With Chase I had little E and C and Jolene I only had E, with this one I have C and thats scary because it can cause problems I wont get into until we know who carries them.SO we are waiting and waiting and its causing exploding thoughts for me! I leave it in the Lords hands and thats what comforts me the most. We are also on the hunt for a 12 or 15 passenger van.Needs to be in our price range and nice. we found a few but nothing that really held for us. Well I most be off to do some laundry and cleaning!......